Harry Potter and the Revelation
by Schizophrenic Dogs
Summary: Harry is now, powerful, knowledgeable and crazier than ever... as he takes over the school, and drives everybody blinking insane... Please Review! and rate! 5th Chapter is finally up!sorry for the delay, wont happen again.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Revelation

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters used in my story, I am merely playing around with them.

'Life really sucks living with these arseholes' thought Harry while doing his transfiguration homework. 'They make me resort to doing it under the bloody covers. I wish I could curse them. Suddenly Harry had a revelation, 'How many time has Voldermort come to m in my dreams? Thousands of times, so if he can get into my mind, what is stopping me from getting into his?' said Harry out loud, already beginning Harry's journey into madness. He started to concentrate on Voldermort's mind and went into a trance, as all his memories and knowledge flowed into his brain.  
He woke up feeling different, yet powerful, had his plan worked? Without noticing it, had he in fact entered the dark lord's psyche? He remembered last night's thoughts, and realized that he now knew how to mask his magical signature…. And a hell of a lot more than that. Suddenly out of the blue, Harry starts to laugh like a psychotic maniac 'mwahahahahahahha the Dursley's have no idea what they are in for' shouted Harry at the top of his lungs'  
Shortly after, dear uncle Vernon raced his fat arse up to his nephew's room 'what in blazes are shouting about potter?' shouted Vernon at the top of his already breathless lungs. Harry thought for a moment... 'Hmm... little verny wants to play I see, he has come all the way up the stairs to visit his favorite nephew' Uncle Vernon face suddenly became white like Harry's bed sheets, since the voice which had just spoken to him did not sound like Harry's at hall. Moreover, his skin began to blacken and his eyes became completely blood red. He became bigger and tore open his pajamas as he sprouted wings, and grew a tail. He now had horns and was holding a pitch fork, which was white hot and aimed at him. Vernon opened his mouth soundlessly and pitched forward like a felled tree. Harry levitated over his body and jumped over the banister, landing soundlessly. He walked into the living room and tip toed behind the couch. He then jumped and land landed on top of Dudley, who was watching the Tweenies. Before Dudley could scream, Harry put his mouth next to his cousins' ear and screeched like a Banshee. Dudley then screamed like a little girl who got a first period. He paled when he didn't hear himself, and screamed 'I'm deaf! Muuuuuuuum! As he ran away into the kitchen. Petunia peered out of the kitchen and asked 'What is-------? and broke off as she saw a devil like creature watching TV in her couch. Harry turned round and screeched even louder, breaking all the glass in the house. The doors, the TV, the vases, everything exploded simultaneously among the Dursley's screams. Harry calmly turned back to normal and proceeded to conjure himself a cake using magic, and poured himself a drink before going out into the street, to pay Mrs. Figg back for all those afternoons spent in her stinking house with her stupid cats. He knocked on the door, and when she opened the door he shouted, 'Trick or treat'. Mrs. Figg thought for a second and said 'treat', Harry looked at her laughed, OK, trick it is'. She tried to tell him 'but I -----'. She was cut off as her clothes began to shrink and impeded her breathing. Harry thought she looked so cute in those small clothes that he shrank her to the size of a doll and decided to hand her over to her cats to play with for a while. He then thought to himself; 'my work here is done'.

Author's Note: I know this is short, but it is my first try at writing a fanfic, and it is only the introduction. Please review! 


	2. The Unexpected Weddding

Chapter 2

Harry after having shrunk Mrs. Figg to the size of a Barbie doll, was feeling rather pleased with himself 'now to pay a little visit to Big D and see what we can do to make his day!' Harry said out loud with an unfamiliar .glee.  
Harry was walking in a very peculiar manner; he was walking in such a way which either suggested he could not hold his excitement or that he had a terrible need to go to the bathroom.  
'Heeeeeeeeeeeres Harry' screamed Harry in a voice which suggested his absolute madness. 'Come out come out wherever you are' Harry said rather childishly. Harry could hear his cousin, he had obviously locked himself in a cupboard 'alohomora' screamed Harry psychotically pointing his wand at Dudley; Causing the door to pop open. There he saw poor little Dudley curled up in a ball 'ppleeaase, Harry, pplease don't hurt meee' stuttered Dudley 'oh don't worry dumdum I won't hurt you, we're just going to play a game' said Harry in a very soft a gentle voice. 'You like games don't you dumdum? 'Asked Harry in what seemed to have been a genuinely curious voice 'yyesss.. I supppooose so' answered Dudley in a very forced tone. 'Oh I see you have gone past your deaf faze?' asked Harry enthusiastically staring at his cousin. Dudley kept quiet and stared back at the lunatic, everybody called Harry Harry just continued to stare at his cousin avidly, he had the most unusual expression, mixed with anger and disconcertion, he had a grin on his face... he would not stop grinning. After about 3 minutes of unbroken silence Harry came closer to Dudley, and sat down next to him putting his arm around him. 'listen dumdum, after thinking it over I have decided on the best game we can play' he said ' are you exited ?' asked Harry seeming pleased with himself 'oh yes' replied Dudley trying to mimic Harry's tone, although unsuccessfully. We are gonna play 'the bang'um feint'  
'Now here is how we play the game' said Harry instructionally. We each take turns to hit our testicles as hard as we possibly can, the longer you can go before you pass out the more chance of you wining the prize. Dudley was absolutely shocked by his cousins absolutely twisted mind 'whaaaat?'; asked Dudley almost not even hearing himself ''oh come on duudders you'll like it, and guess what you're first;  
Dudley was becoming more and more anxious was his cousin actually going to make him carry out this most twisted task? 'Ok Dudley, so firstly you must sit down, preferably cross legged and just start to whack your balls... Ok?' said Harry. 'No... I will not fucking do that you sick son of a bitch!' shouted Dudley not being able to contain himself 'what the fuck did you just say to me... fuckwit? 'Said Harry his anger increasing. Dudley started to become confident and thought that he should challenge Harry; he had absolutely no idea what he was getting himself into. 'Now listen to me, from now on you never take that tone with me, understood' said Harry 'I will pretend you didn't disrespect me' he said starting to cool down. Dudley without any notice punched Harry square in the glasses making him bleed profusely 'now you've done it' said Harry 'now you've fucking done it' without any word of notice Harry grabbed a hold of his cousin and threw him out with tremendous force. Now they were both standing outside the cupboard, and he grabbed a hold of Dudley and apparated. Dudley hadn't caught on to what had happened he found himself in this large sort of wonky house 'welcome Dudley to the burrow, you're going to meet my two best friends Ron and Hermione. Harry still dragging Dudley knocked on the door. After about 2 minutes of waiting patiently a plump lady answered the door 'oh well hello Harry, what a pleasure to see you, will you come in? 'Said Molly Weasley in a very polite tone 'oh yes thank you Mrs. Weasly' said Harry in a tone which had absolutely no hint of anger. 'Ron and Hermione are upstairs' she said matter-of-factly.  
Harry once again regained his psychotic composure and raced to Ron's room where he saw a sight which he never thought possible, Ron and Hermione were in a lip-lock.  
'What the fuck are you two sods doing' Harry said in a tone which was indecipherable. 'Oh... Well... Harry you see Ron and I-'Hermione was cut off by Harry; still looking rather embarrassed 'well that's bloody brilliant' said Harry smiling psychotically. 'Ron's fancied you since first year-'he was cut off by Ron 'hey…'that as between you and I-'now Ron was cut off by Harry, 'you know Hermione, Ron has been having very naughty dreams with you, he told me not to tell but I just couldn't contain myself' he said winking stupidly to his best friend who was on the verge to explode with anger.  
'Oh and by the way mates, I would like to introduce you to my cousin... Dumdum...Oh sorry I mean Dudley' said Harry 'Dudley felt very conflicted and had no idea what was up with Harry. Just second ago he was going to kill him, now he was introducing hi to his best friends, it made absolutely no sense. 'Oh… Well. Hello. I'm Dudley... Harry's cousin' he said feeling very distressed. 'Oh Harry what you doing bringing your cousin the muggle to my house anyway? Asked Ron looking perplexed. Well you see, Dudley wanted to see what it was like to be a wizard so I thought I'd umm…. introduce him to my best mates before I dispose of him' said Harry. Hermione instantly stirred by this comment said 'what do you mean disposed? Of' asked Hermione genuinely concerned.' well you know what I mean' said Harry 'kill him' Dudley. Ron and Hermione all shouted in unison 'what? 'You heard me, what's the problem' asked Harry honestly not knowing what the big problem was 'you can't do that' answered Hermione, her distress increasing 'why the fuck not? He punched my G-d damn face, he deserves to die' said Harry matter of factly. Both Hermione and Ron, had no idea who this person was, it certainly wasn't their friend, there friend would not do such a thing, even to their cousin.  
The place was silent , it was broken by Dudley ' can I go now?' he said, sounding truly frightened' he tried hard not to look into his cousin's crazed eyes ' no you can't alright, you me Ron and Hermione are first going to get our stuff ready for Hogwarts' huh, what do you mean you me, Hermione and Ron?' asked Dudley ' I'm not bloody well going anywhere with you, let alone that crazy school' said Dudley, almost going out of breath' you bit your tongue fuckwit, I don't ever want to hear you speak of Hogwarts in such a manner, now you apologize!' shouted Harry. Dudley was starting to go red in the face. Is this the same cousin he used to poke fun at and beat up? It sure as hell doesn't sound like him. Thought Dudley 'I' sorry Harry-'Dudley was broke off by Harry 'not me fuckwit… hogwarts...hoggy hoggy Hogwarts, say sorry to it' Harry said panting.'ok fine' said Dudley 'I'm sorry…hoogwarts.  
Both Hermione and Ron were getting very worried about Harry's inexplicable behaviour 'maybe you know who is messing with his head' said Ron as he and Hermione were walking out of the room 'well Ronald, I don't see why he who must not be named is so bored he wants to see Harry go completely nuts' said Hermione. 'what are we going to do about Dudley' said Hermione I don't think we should leave him alone with Harry, you never know what he could do to him while we're gone, also Harry has got the idea that Dudley is coming to Hogwarts with us' said Hermione, catching her breath.  
'Time for supper!' shouted Mrs. Weasly. All the Weasleys including Harry and Dudley and Hermione gathered round the table. 'I took the liberty of setting an extra plate for your cousin is it?' asked Mrs. Weasly 'oh yes, that's right' said Harry once again grinning insanely. They all sat down.  
Harry casually peered to look at Fred and George who were no doubt planning to do something to poor little Dudley, Harry was happy about this, however, how could Harry make these pranks lethal? He thought to himself. Then Ron and Hermione would think that Fred and George killed him! That's perfect!  
'So young man you're a muggle I hear' said Mr. Weasly attentively 'that's what Harry keeps referring me to, so I guess I am' said Dudley disconcertingly with a hint of worry. ' fascinating-' Arthur Weasly was broken off by Harry ' Mr. Weasly, with all due respect I think you should leave the whole business of muggle artifacts to people whop care, ever since I first set foot in your house you keep yammering on about those silly muggles.. Get a life' said Harry in a harshest tone imaginable. Everybody just stared at Harry, open mouthed. People were continuously whispering to each other that this must be a side effect of the tragedy which had befallen Sirius. Harry was probably just reflecting his upset into hate.  
Everybody chose to pretend they didn't hear what Harry had just said, and Mr. Weasly chose to keep quiet. After dinner Harry and Dudley met up with Hermione and Ron, and he informed them that he had to go back to privet drive and take little Dudley home and take care of some unfinished business. 'congratulations, I am so happy that you both found each other, and I hope that you have like my friend ton the tiger would say a grrrrrrrrrrrreat time'. suddenly, Harry transfigured both all their clothes into tuxedos strangely even for Hermione, and the requiem started playing, Harry then said 'will you Ron take Hermione to be your lawfully wedded wife?' said Harry dreamily. 'Yes. I mean no' said Ron 'what in blazes is going on Ronald Weasley!' shouted Molly. Before molly could point the finger at Harry he had already apparated with Dudley. Hermione was very unsettled about all this business, but before she even had a chance to scream at Harry she noticed he'd gone.  
'Where the hell did he learn to do that?' asked Ron very intrigued? 'We are not de to learn that till we start the term' continued Ron looking very uneasy. Something is up with Harry' said Hermione 'and I intend to find out what it is'.

Unbeknownst of Hermione and Ron, Harry's mind had not just been affected by his revelation, but also Sirius' soul had found its way into Harry's body, causing periods of reckless and fanatical behavior.

'What happened' asked Dudley sounding shaken 'we're back at you're place dumdum. I believe we have some unfinished business, but for now I will just let you dwell on it, while I pay a visit to uncle verny.  
'Oh uncle verny!' screamed Harry in a very chastising voice 'are you there?' Harry asked once again. Harry went up the stair and made his way to Vernon's room, he opened the door to see petunia standing over his body 'oh... Harry he won't wake up... what did you fucking do to him, you little shithead' cried aunt petunia 'don't you speak to me like that, I did absolutely nothing, but never the less I will try and wake poor verny up' said Harry cracking his knuckles. Harry stepped toward Vernon stepping over uncle Vernon's body, so that he was in-between his legs 'wwwhat aare you ddoing, to my husband? 'Asked petunia in a worrisome voice 'oh don't worry yourself aunty dear, I'm gonna help old uncle verny you'll see' Harry now had a very sly expression on his face. After what seemed to have been forms of meditation on Harry's part. Harry began to wallop Vernon across the face with impressive force 'what are you fucking doing, you're killing him, stop it! Stop!' shouted petunia, not being able to hold her cries.  
Harry was just ignoring his aunt and continued to wallop poor old Vernon across the face, but still he wasn't waking up, Harry was getting restless, he was trying to help his uncle and it wasn't doing any good. So Harry thought to himself momentarily 'how can I make more of an impression with my wallops, I am having fun, but I lack imagination'. Without any notice whatsoever, Harry took his hands off his uncle, and walked out of the room 'petunia, I'll be right back' said Harry unable to stop grinning.  
Harry returned soon after with Dudley Wilson tennis racket 'wwahat are you going to do to Vernon with that -?'Harry broke aunt petunia with a swing of the racket, once again with very impressive force; petunia hit the ground with a loud thump, which Harry thought was strange seeing as petunia is so small.  
Harry momentarily glanced at his aunt, and then moved his concentration back to Vernon 'here we go' said Harry talking to himself. He once again paced himself getting Vernon between his legs. This time he got the racket, and was about to swing when suddenly he was interrupted by Dudley rushing in 'leave my dad a-'he was broken off with a large biff on the face with his favourite tennis racket. 'Oh...look at Dudley, he is so fucking sweet when he is sleeping' said Harry dreamily. 'I want to stare at him all day, but I still have business to take care of' said Harry trying to get the attention of a fly which had just entered the room.  
Once again Harry had resumed his position ready to strike poor unexpecting Vernon right on the head, when he noticed that this was a very uninteresting and boring way to wake little Vernon up. He then thought some more and said out loud 'I'm hungry, I'm gonna get me something to eat!' in very think American accent, which almost gave Harry himself a heart attack.  
Harry apparated to the kitchen and open the refrigerator and thought he would cook himself a nice omelette, preferably French, as he thought their accent was extremely funny.  
Harry looked inside the fridge and saw the ingredients he could work with, even though Harry hadn't the foggiest idea of how to cook as he had never done so in his life.  
Harry saw there were some eggs, chicken, sausages, lard and other ingredients, so in order to be safe, he thought that he would just throw everything into the frying pan ( due to Dudley enormous size, the Dursley's owned an extremely large frying pan) Harry threw everything in.  
After about 10 minutes he noticed nothing was happening, this was really bothering him 'why isn't anything happening?' he thought to himself out loud. After about ten minutes of constant pondering he discovered that he didn't turn the fire on, so he turned on the gas, struck a match and before he k new it, steam began to produce.  
Harry was getting bored so he thought he would go for a walk. He went outside, walking casually, when behind him, smoke was being produced galore, little did Harry know'  
After spending most of his time chasing butterflies, he decided to turn back and see if his omelette was ready. When he got there he saw an abundance of flames, he ran in, and took his suitcase, leaving unconscious Dudley, Vernon and petunia, and apparated to Diagon Alley. 


	3. The Birthday Surprise

Chapter 3

'Here I am' shouted Harry, causing all the passer-by's to look at him. 'Did you all miss me?' said Harry in a voice similar to tweety's. All the witches and wizards just ignored him and continued to walk.  
Harry was feeling quite disappointed by the fact that nobody seemed to have missed his presence. So he decided to go and try and pick a fight with one of the passer-by's. He shouted to a rather large looking wizard 'hey fuck face, move!' shouted Harry, not being able to hold himself. 'What did you say?' asked the large wizard, Harry stared at him stupidly for a moment and answered... 'I believe I said 'hey fuck face, move!' The large wizard took out his wand, but before he had a chance to use it on Harry, he shouted, with his own and pointed at him 'expelliames!' sending the large wizards flying with such force that he broke the window of Flourish and Blotts.  
By the time this happened, 5 people were watching Harry and got into the fight, wands drawn. He quickly disguised his face to look like Neville Longbottom's, and started throwing punches and hexing anyone who got near him, until the fight became a full blown riot, and a Magical Law Enforcement squad came to break it up. Meanwhile, Harry sneaked away to Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, laughing his head off all the way.  
He found Fred and George bleeding and dishevelled, but smiling. 'Hi Harry, did you see the fight down there?' asked Fred. 'Yes, as a matter of fact I started it', Harry answered with a goofy grin. 'Listen Harry you shouldn't have done that, it really isn't right!' said George 'what has our world come to when our little Harry potter has decided to wreak havoc on the civilised world' snickered Fred. 'On a serious note' said Fred 'that was bloody brilliant! I wish we'd have thought of that' said the twins in unison. 'I'm a little teapot!' shouted Harry. 'What the bloody hell is he on about' whispered Fred into his brother's ear.  
Harry then, without any notice whatsoever he, started dancing around their shop, and picking up all sorts of items screaming 'why walk, when you can dance!' Fred couldn't help but snicker at Harry's absolute madness. 'By the way Georgy porgy what's going on with my two best mates, I hear they got married?' said Harry his eyes sparkling. George looked at his twin, 'well actually, Ron is rather concerned abo—'he was cut off by Harry screaming 'what do you mean 'concerned' he is married now, that was more than obvious, and he should be concerned. Anyway, why didn't you attend the ceremony?' asked Harry, his eyes expressing anger. Fred countered, 'are you serious, Harry?' 'Of course not, I'm Harry! anyway, I must get going, thanks for the stuff'. He dropped a Galleon on the counter and dissaparated.  
He left the twins gaping, 'How does he know how to apparate? and how come he is not even bruised if he started the fight, and he didn't get caught!.' 'I think we have a worthy substitute in Hogwarts', George answered as he absently touched the coin. Suddenly a turkey appeared in his place and started gobbling madly and jumping around the shop, while Fred rolled on the floor laughing his balls off. 'That boy is a natural'.

Harry found himself back at the Burrow; seeming different he knocked on the door, and found that he was opened by Hermione, still dressed in the tuxedo 'Harry! It wont come off, what the hell is wrong with you, fix this now!' she screeched 'ok, if you say so' said Harry with a familiar expression of slyness. Unexpectedly the tuxedo began to increase in size, falling off, leaving Hermione in her underwear 'there you go, your wish was my command, nice undies by the way' said Harry, with a big smile across his face.  
A loud screech was heard through the entire house, Hermione quickly ran up to her room to find some clothes. Harry was feeling happy that he had done his friend a favour. He thought that he should make up for the trouble he had caused in Diagon alley, so he decided to pay a little visit to Ginny who he had not seen in a very long time.  
Harry made his way to Ginny's (and Hermione's) room. Straight away she asked, 'what the hell just happened?' 'It is very simple. As you know, Ron and Hermione got married, she probably felt uncomfortable, and asked me to take her clothes off, which is what I did' he answered with a straight face. 'Actually, I should decorate the newlyweds' room. Wanna help?'. This said he left to Ron's room, expanded his bed, forming a heart-shaped one, made the walls pink, with hearts and conjured rose bushes around the bed. He hadn't noticed Ron's presence on his bed, who fell through it as is temporarily disappeared, until he saw it move. Something under it was trying to get out, but the thorns were blocking his way. 'I'm gonna kill you for this Harry', screamed Ron. Harry just said 'Oops' and with a flick of his hand Ron appeared a foot above his bed and bounced from it onto the bushes, where he landed with renewed swearwords. Ginny, who had watched Harry from the door, couldn't contain herself anymore and started laughing as loud as Harry, who due to his immense laughter was on all fours, hitting the floor and occasionally howling, singing ' I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay….lalalala' . It took a long time for their laughter to subside. It was broken by Mrs. Weasley's call, 'Come down, children, your Hogwarts letters arrived. Ron, Hermione and Harry, your OWL results are here too'. Hermione run down the stairs into the kitchen, looking more excited than ever, 'Are they really here, Oh god I'm so nervous'. The others walked in after her, Harry surreptitiously flicked his hand at Hermione's envelope before getting his own. Hermione went white before reading out her letter 'It can't be, 'Miss Granger, because of your abysmal results, the board of governors has decided to expel you from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, signed, Harry Jamesie Potty, Acting Headmaster'. As she said this she relaxed, before slapping Harry, 'You bastard!' he slumped to the ground unconscious. She bent over him, and stared at him worriedly for a moment. He abruptly opened his eyes, and laughed, 'Got you again! I thought you were better than that'. The whole room laughed, as Hermione scolded him, 'you are worse than the twins, you know'  
Now lest all look at our results, Ron you go first molly urged:

Ron's results

•Divination: D •Transfiguration: A •Charms: E •Potions: A •History of magic: D •Care of magical creatures: E •Defence against the dark arts: E

'Well Ronald, those have to be the worst results anybody in our family( except the twins) but overall not bad, not bad at all, at least you achieved five' said molly.

Now how about you, Hermione, share your results (Harry already changed them back to normal).

•Arithmancy: O •Transfiguration: O •Charms: O •Potions: O •History of magic: O •Care of magical creatures: O •Defence against the dark arts: E •Ancient runes: O •Muggle studies: O

'Well dear, those are pretty good, keep up the good work' said molly Weasly. 'Sorry Mya but those marks, but I am impressed with you punches though, so I'll say keep up the great work'

'Well Harry, you don't think my results are good let's see yours' said Hermione over-confidently. Her mouth dropped open when she glanced at his results, he achieved outstanding for every subject! Every single person in the room, just stared at Harry, who seemed indifferent about his results 'who is up for some scrumptious rock cakes Hagrid makes' said Harry looking excited 'but Hagrid isn't here Harry' said Ron 'he isn't? How can this be? And on my birthday' panted Harry 'oh yea that's right' shouted Hermione, almost going crazy herself, 'it is Harry's birthday, lets celebrate it'  
'Oh sorry Harry' all the Weasleys and Hermione in unison, we forgot it was your birthday 'oh its ok you guys, with all the things going on who wouldn't forget my birthday, you two are married'  
Everybody just began to laugh, and decided that they should celebrate Harry's birthday by spending that evening at a place of Harry's choice. Harry just grabbed everyone and apparated them to the CN Tower restaurant, in Toronto. Arthur seemed so excited that he might piss himself, while everyone else noticed they were wearing clowns' clothing and being stared at by everyone in the restaurant. Harry was nowhere to be seen, as he had gone to pick up the twins. He was back with them in a few seconds, with the twins dressed like the rest. 'I believe I have a reservation for the Moose Beano and his gang of unruly individuals' said Harry to the manager. 'Are you sure about that sir?' asked the manager. 'Never been surer of anything in my life', answered Harry, grinning like a pelican. 'Well, I'm afraid you have not got one sir'. 'Are you calling me a liar?' replied Harry with a dangerous tone. 'Of course not sir, I am afraid one of my waiters made a mistake, but it does not matter, take this table', he said, pointing to one at the end of the restaurant. 'That was wicked, Harry' said the twins, looking thoroughly impressed. They each ordered their food, but Harry had decided that it would be funny to decide on it, so when the food arrived he turned their drinks into whiskey, but keeping its previous appearance and taste. Half way through the meal, Arthur asked him, 'Harry, I know you are enjoying yourself (he had made his macaroni grow legs and was chasing them around his plate), but how did you apparate us all here half way across the world, and the Muggles did not notice it, or the magic you are doing'. He answered, 'Simple, I confounded them' and out of the blue he began to sing, 'Happy Birthday to me, I climbed up a tree, I shitted on a leaf, and took a pee'. He noticed the family was drunk by now, and proceeded to stand them by their table, and conjured a camera out of thin air to take a picture of them dressed as clowns.  
He then warned them, 'say two balls in bag, dangling by a string when I take the picture. They were so drunk they did so, and Ron was so blinded by the flash that he asked 'Whoa man! The light is so bright, are you god or something!' Harry noticed everybody was drunk happy, so he yelled 'Mischief managed!' before grabbing their swaying bodies and apparating back to the Burrow, without paying their bill.

A/N: This is the third chapter. Hope you liked it. Feel free to review with any ideas. Please review! 


	4. Harry's New Best Friend

Chapter 4

'Uhh… what happened' said Ron, with a groggy voice. Everybody was still sleeping piled on each other 'Harry…' he whispered 'Harry, where are you?..'. Ron was getting frustrated; Harry simply was nowhere to be found.  
All of a sudden, the pile shook sending all the Weasley's and Hermione, onto the floor 'have no fear! Harry's here!' said Harry his voice, squealing with excitement.  
'What happened?' said Fred and George, loudly yawning, slowly awakening from their slumber. Harry was eagerly staring at the twins his mouth open enough for his tongue to be visible. Saliva kept pouring out of his ajar mouth and he said ' I went to toilet.. and I did a poo! Cherries are full of fibre, making my bowels susceptible to egestion.  
The entire room stared at Harry, who was at the time, dancing around with in his underwear singing 'everybody, move your feet and feel united' he said, rapidly moving his feet to the beat of his hands on his head.  
'Harry?... are yo---' Molly was cut off by Harry, who said 'everybody dance now!' and he ran all across the Weasley's living room, and ran up the wall. He continued to dance on the ceiling. Without notice, Ron started to hop around the room while kicking Hermione, in the arse; she couldn't help but scream 'I am a little pony!'; Ron without delay jumped onto her back, which caused poor unsuspecting Hermione to fall flat on her face.  
Meanwhile Fred and George seemingly felt an urge to start slapping each other in turns, while Arthur, Molly and Ginny were spinning around in a circle increasingly fast, becoming a blur until they fell onto the floor as Harry clapped at their performance.  
Harry slowly floated down as everyone regained their breath, and turned round once he noticed everyone was upside down. He said 'congratulations to everyone on their musical talents, you deserve some presents'. With a flourish a Porsche convertible appeared outside the house, as Harry said 'That is for you Arthur, for loving muggles as much as I love Dudley'. The kitchen was substituted by a modern one, and a necklace with rubies appeared floating in front of Ginny. 'This will be for the world record of most revolutions in one minute'. To Ron and Hermione he said 'I already made your wedding, so this will be a good follow up', and with a flick a cot appeared in front of them. He then looked at Fred and George, and frowned for a few moments, before he smiled mischievously at them; 'for you, my partners in crime, I have a special present, I will advertise your products in an interesting way as well as invent some, have this for starters'. He suddenly stuffed two biscuits into their mouths, and everyone burst out laughing as they became two piglets which oinked and charged at Harry with full force. He quickly grabbed them and knotted their tails together so hard that no one could untie them until they got back to normal.  
Everyone was so stunned at their presents and what had just happened that they did not notice Harry disappear from the room until some time later.  
Meanwhile Harry had apparated to Voldemort's location, a room inside an abandoned castle, which he knew of because of his telepathic link, interrupting a meeting. He yelled at him 'Why didn't you give me a present, Tommy? You didn't even send me a card!' Before even finishing his sentence Lucius Malfoy had used the Cruciatus curse on him. Harry screamed in pain before turning round to face Lucius. He suddenly appeared in front of him, violently grabbed his neck so hard that he broke his trachea. As Lucius was choking to death, he was thrown like a rag doll against the wall that he broke every bone in his body. Harry faced Voldemort again, screaming, 'If anyone interrupts me again, I'll kill you all, understood!' He did not notice Voldemort was trembling, as were the other Death Eaters, because Harry's skin was glowing black, with immense flames licking his skin without burning him. Many of them tried to apparate away, but they could not get out, as Harry seemed to have made anti apparition wards; they tried as hard as they could to break through them, but only got headaches for their efforts. Voldemort was so scared that he said what came to his head first in an unusually high pitched voice 'happy birthday… Harry'. Harry stared expectantly at Voldemort, with fire blazing on coal black eyes, which slowly receded as he turned back to normal. After a while he asked, 'so where is my present? Tapping his fingers monotonously on his scalp. 'I want my g-d damn present now, before I grab your dick and shove it up your arse' bellowed Harry, his tone suggesting his patience being tried. Voldermort's lips began to tremble as he said 'I… I'll give you Wormtail, he's a hell of a good time, when you torture, he screams like a little girl' laughed Voldermort, to appease Potter.  
Harry apathetically stared at voldermort 'summon him, and I'll be the judge of that' said Harry condescendingly. 'Accio Wormtail' roared Voldermort. Suddenly, Wormtail burst through the door, sending pieces of wood, flying all through the room. 'Voldermort! You say that this is a good slave to have? He's fucking sleeping on the job!' shouted Harry, his face turning blood red from anger, as Wormtail was unconscious from the impact against the door. Voldemort stuttered 'bbut Potter, he's un-' Harry cut him off as he continued to shout 'no buts, this is a worthless piece of shit, not fit for a present to the famous Harry Potter, the same one you couldn't even kill as a one year old baby… Looser!' said Harry, his words dripping with disdain. Voldemort insisted, 'I can assure you he is fun to torture, even if he makes a rubbish servant'. Harry leaped at Wormtail and farted on him, which brought him back to consciousness. He then ordered him to turn into a rat, which Wormtail did when he noticed Voldemort glaring at him. Once this was done, Harry conjured a mousetrap under him, where poor Wormtail got caught. He then grabbed the trap and swung it with a skill reminiscent of a professional hammer thrower, and let when he let go the trap and the rat ended up tangled with a lamp, after rebounding several times on the walls. Harry grinned and turned to Voldemort, 'you were right, that was actually fun'. He said 'Accio Wormtail', and after catching him in his hands, threw him onto a newly conjured operating table, transfigured him back to normal and shackled him to it. He pointed his wand at Wormtail and cried 'Enervate!' Pettigrew woke up and looked up at Harry. There was a maniacal gleam in his eyes which terrified him even more than Voldemort. Harry calmly explained, 'as was the tradition by Napoleon, I will castrate you, as my new eunuch, so that you will not be distracted by anything and focus on my service'. Wormtail writhed against the shackles with all his strength, but these were so tight around his hips, ankles, and wrists that he did not move even one centimetre. A pair of shears with white hot tips appeared in Harry's hands, 'Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit. The heat will cauterise your cuts and prevent blood loss.' Voldemort's skin obtained a green tinge as he heard Harry's twisted ideas. Pettigrew pissed his pants and passed out as he imagined the pain he would feel.  
Harry's expression then turned to one of regret, 'if I do this, we won't be able to play the 'bang'm feint' game anymore'. He decided to leave Wormtail's genitals in their present location, and substituted the operating table by a small cage, which he made into a Portkey that transported him to the Weasley's cellar for safe keeping. He looked at his right wrist and said, 'it's still early, let's party!' he swiftly grabbed onto Voldemort's cloak and apparated all the way to Hawaii.

Meanwhile, back at the Burrow, everyone was discussing Harry's current condition. 'Harry is beginning to scare me', whispered Ron, an expression of fear slapped across his face. 'He's not here you moron' scolded Hermione. 'He's not?' Ron continued to look around the room, expecting Harry to jump out any second, lashing out irrationally. 'He's your best friend, you know' reprimanded Ginny. 'So, he's a bloody lunatic! You are just saying that because you got a real present' Ron defended himself. Hermione burst in, 'let's look at this logically, obviously something has affected Harry's mind, he's probably traumatised because of Sirius' demise, we have to help him get through this by letting him vent his stress by pranking us. At least he is not acting violently, and you have to admit he is hilarious, when you look at it retrospectively. However, this has shown that Harry has immense power, maybe more than Voldemort himself, and he could hurt someone without meaning to; so I think we should take him to a psychiatrist'. Arthur then said, 'I feel there is a small problem with your plan, two actually. Firstly, Harry is not here, and second, how could we convince Harry to go to a psychiatrist? He would not feel it was worth it, and I'm not bloody well paying for it!' Everyone laughed at this, even though deep down everybody knew that Harry's condition was nothing to be reckoned with. 'Harry has obviously apparated, but he question is where? This is serious we must get to the bottom of his problem' said Hermione fervently pacing the room, in a repetitive fashion. 'Yes, but how did he do that?' asked Ron, an expression of confusion on his face? 'Also, how did he conjure all those things, which are best not mentioned ever!' added Ron. 'yes he didn't even use a wand, you have to admit that was bloody brilliant!' further added Fred and George in unison. 'listen whether it was bloody brilliant or not is inconsequential, we must concentrate on the problem, something has affected his mind, and awoken some dormant powers within him, that is probably how he survived Voldermort, not the shit Dumbledore said about love. That was a cover; probably because he was jealous of Harry's powers, hoping they would stay dormant forever'. Said Hermione, almost losing her breath.  
'Now... Now Hermione we must not jump to conclusions, especially when Dumbledore is concerned' said Arthur. 'there is surely another explanation' Arthur spoke, feeling very sure of himself 'alright, Mr. Weasley then could you please explain how Harry conjured a car for you? I highly doubt if even Dumbledore's powers have that potential' expressed Hermione smugly 'Fair point' said Arthur 'but that does not necessarily deem Dumbledore as jealous of Harry's potential' added Mr Weasley 'if he was not jealous, or perhaps even scared, why didn't Dumbledore guide Harry to reign his powers, and vanquish the Dark Lord.  
Mr Weasley was at a loss for words, Hermione had obviously contested him. The room was silent, and was broken by Arthur's outrage brought about by Hermione sticking out her tongue 'OY Hermione, that is no way to treat your elders, now you bite your tongue!' said Mr Weasley his facing reddening to the colour of a ripe tomato. 'Sorry, no can do, if I bite my tongue, I won't be able to prove you wrong, now would I?' uttered Hermione arrogantly.  
'So, lets get back to Harry, shouldn't we' interrupted Molly 'I am very concerned about him, who knows what he has gotten himself into'

'Well…here we are' screamed Harry bursting with enthusiasm. 'where is here?' asked voldermort, his face filled with worry. 'Hawaii, my good man, you really need a tan, now strip!' said Harry, a sly grin across his face. Voldemort realised that he had not enough power to apparate to his lair, or even close for that matter, so he decided the safest thing to do would be to play along with Harry's insanity, perhaps even use it to his advantage.  
'On a serious note, Tommy, your clothes are not appropriate for nether the time or place' Harry stated. As he said this Voldemort's tar black robes transfigured into a Hawaiian shirt and Speedos. 'What the fuck am I wearing!' shrieked Tom Riddle. Harry glared at Voldermort 'listen Tommy, I know it has been a while since you went out and chilled, but this is what is know. as 'clothes' said Harry, instructively 'well I know that much, moron' answered Riddle 'I was referring to the type of clothes, they make me look like fucking muggle' he added in a very serious tone.  
'listen, you have to lighten up Voldy, how's about we get us a drink, I know a drinking game which has our name on it, now follow me. ' Harry began to walk ,and voldermort followed reluctantly'. Harry found himself at a Pub called 'Copacabana' 'hey, Tommy, this place is empty lets play.  
Harry and voldermort entered this rather small hut. There was a man in waiters clothes, at the bar. Harry approached it, Voldemort once again followed 'what can I get fo-?' the waiter was cut off by Harry screaming 'stupefy!' the waiter went into a trance.  
'Alright Tommy, what would you like to begin with, muggle whiskey is believed to be better than firewhiskey' said Harry, inferring that they should have whiskey to begin. Harry quickly hopped over the counter and took a bottle of Malt whiskey, and took out two glasses. And poured them both an ample amount of whiskey in each glass.  
'now listen we are going to play, a game' said Harry, a stupid grin spread across his face. His incessant grinning caused Voldemort to feel somewhat uneasy 'umm…this game doesn't involve battering of precious items does it?' asked Voldemort the uneasiness so tangible you could cut it with a knife.  
Harry seemed not to have heard what Voldemort had said 'well this is how we play the special drinking game, but we need at least two more people' instantly Bellatrix and Lucius Malfoy appeared. 'now listen here, Lucius and Bellatrix, we are about to play a drinking game called 'My penis, your vagina' said Harry enthusiastically. Due to what had happened previously Lucius and Bellatrix knew better than to question Harry. All they did was nod approvingly.  
'Now as I was saying, this is how we play the game, we Sit in a circle. Guys have to say "My penis..." and girls have to say "My vagina...". You go around in a circle and start at the beginning of the alphabet. Example: "My vagina/penis is awesome", next person "My vagina/penis is angry"... The words have to relate (in some way) to vaginas/penises. When someone can't think of a word or repeats a word, then they have to drink and then it starts at the next letter.  
Voldemort, Bellatrix and Lucius were perplexed, but silently agreed that it would be best not to anger Harry, as he was too insane to think clearly.  
'Alright' said Harry. 'Who would like to begin, do we have any volunteers? The room was quiet 'oh come on, don't be shy!' asserted Harry 'listen, how about… you Lucius, I think you should start' 'umm…well My Penis/Vagina is antagonistic' everybody looked at Lucius, with depraved concern 'very good one Lucius, I'm impressed, however I feel this game is not suitable for you people, so what we shall do is just drink ourselves stupid, lets try every single drink that there is in this room, the last person standing wins!  
They reluctantly began the game, drinking their glasses of whiskey first, after their first glass they seemed to loosen up a little bit. They followed with other drinks, and after 5 minutes, they started talking. 'Harry, how the hell did you get us all the way here?' Voldemort was loosening up and already calling Harry by his first name.  
'It was easy, it just made me hungry, and for some reason I feel like taking a dump in the beach, wanna join me?' asked Harry, 'It's good fun!' 'No thanks, we'll wait for you to get back' Voldemort mixed a bunch of drinks together and drunk his glass in one gulp. Smoke came out of his ears and mouth. When Harry got back he asked him 'Had a nice dump? By the way, I noticed you laced one of the drinks; it gives you a wicked feeling! You should try it'  
'It was great thanks! I even saved a fish which was drowning in the sea. I took it out of the water and left it to rest on the counter. It's sleeping now. That drink I laced was absinthe, my favorite. By the way I'm bored, let's have some fun!' This said, he aimed his hands at Lucius and Bellatrix, who proceeded to swap their clothes and dance a tango for the entertainment of Voldemort and Harry. Then Tom himself got Harry up and waved his wand, making a stage appear and cowboy music began to play. He then transfigured his clothes into a cowboy's, jumped onto the stage and used a lasso to catch Bellatrix. After that he jumped onto her back, and she started to jump about like a mad cow. Harry did the same with Lucius and proceeded to fight Voldemort like an old fashioned knight. He yelled at Lucius, 'Chaaarge!'. They crashed and ended up on the floor amid their rather large audience's applause. Suddenly, it seemed like floodlights had been lit around the little hut. Around twenty wizards swarmed into the place, casting 'Obliviate' spells at all the muggles they could see and looking for the culprits of this mess. Some noticed four people sprawled all over a stage that had clearly been conjured, and tried to stun them. However two of the wizards clearly did not seem to enjoy being apprehended by the authorities. One started to curse them and caused an explosion which knocked out a few wizards of the American Magical Law Enforcement Patrol. The other one Apparated to the hut and started hurling tables, chairs and bottles at them physically and with magic, until none was left standing. Voldemort praised Harry, 'that was totally cool, I don't remember having this much fun in a long time, not since I killed your parents'. Harry answered, 'Yep, we make a great team. We should do this again some time. I'll take you back now.' Harry used Accio to grab onto Lucius and Bellatrix, who had been knocked out in the fight, and Apparated them back with Voldemort to their castle. 'Sweet dreams, I know you're drunk, but don't shit or piss on yourselves, it smells bad and then the other Death Eaters have to clean up the mess'. He finally apparated back to Hawii and fell asleep on the beach.  
At the Burrow, it was midnight, and everyone was worried about Harry's whereabouts and wellbeing. 'Why don't we just forget about him and play some wizard's chess?' asked Ron. Hermione was shocked to hear Ron speak so callously about Harry, and slapped him on the face, leaving an imprint of a hand on it. 'How can you say such a thing Ronald! He's your friend.' 'I know, but I can assure you Harry can take care of himself, he did kill a Basilisk after all in our second year', Ron countered. Hermione was still worried though, so she sent Harry a letter with Hedwig before going to bed.

Dear Harry,

We are all very worried about you. Please write back telling us your location, or at least when you'll be back.

Love,  
Hermione

P.S. Bring some souvenirs if you can. 

She was brought out of her musings by an incessant cry she could not recognise. She found the origin of the cries was the cellar, so she decided to go down and see what the problem was. She gasped in shock as she saw Wormtail in a cage. Hermione without hesitation ran up the stairs and screamed 'Mr. Weasley! Come down to the cellar, I think that there is something that you should see'. After a very short while appeared Mr. Weasley, the expression on his face was unreadable. 'I'll have to take him to the ministry' said Mr. Weasley, his tone filled with concern. Without any notice he ran up the stairs and left. Hermione was somewhat comforted, as she thought Harry must be sane if he was hunting Death Eaters, as he was the only one who would have put him in a cage in their cellar.  
The next morning Harry woke up quite late with a throbbing headache, and feeling very hungry and thirsty. He noticed he had slept on a tropical beach, but could not remember how he had got there. He also noted that he was wearing swimming trunks and a Hawaiian shirt, but wasn't carrying his wand. He walked around the beach to orientate himself, and found a newspaper in the sand. On the front page he saw the date was 1st of August, and he was in Hawaii. An article caught his attention; it mentioned a fight breaking out which had resulted in the wreck of a famous pub, 'Copacabana'. The name seemed familiar to him, but he did not know why.  
Now that he knew where he was, he focused on his next objective: food and drink. After wondering how the hell he would get food without any money, he decided to go fishing, but he then realized he had no rod, and catching fish with one's hands is basically impossible. He remembered that he could do wandless magic, like when he blew up Aunt Marge and thought that he could probably conjure food. However, this brought about another complication, underage magic. He decided to take a swim to clear things up in his mind and relax. He left his shirt in the sand and swam for an hour, enjoying the waves and admiring the beach. He decided to go into town and find some way to get food. When he got out of the water he found an owl waiting for him by his shirt. He read it, it was from Hermione, and was suddenly aware that he did not have a quill to answer back. Some memories then flowed into his mind as he thought of Hermione. He remembered lying on his bed and thinking of masking his magical signature. He somehow knew how to do it. He jumped from joy and danced around, jumping around on all fours laughing. He hurriedly conjured a hammock between two palm trees and a tray with loads of tropical fruits and drinks, before the beach started to fill with people. He was famished, and quickly finished the contents of the tray. He then conjured a quill and replied to Hermione.

Dear Hermione,

I am in Hawaii, don't ask me why. That's what I want to know. The last thing I remember is being at the Dursley's, doing homework the night before my birthday. What happened? By the way, I can mask my magical signature, so I'll get by until I can get back to England.

Hope to see you soon Harry

P.S. I do not have any money to buy souvenirs, but I'll try and steal some

Hermione woke up and found Hedwig staring at her with a letter tied to her leg. She quickly opened the letter and read it, and was relieved to find Harry was alright. She went down and told everyone about it. However she was worried about him not remembering what had happened, and confided her concerns to Ginny and Ron.  
They, however, were certain they would find a solution to it. Ginny assured her 'I'm sure you'll find out how to help him Hermione'.

Harry wanted to buy souvenirs for Hermione, so he thought that if he could conjure food, he could probably make money as well. He tried it out and came up with perfect fakes. This made him decide that he could take a two week holiday in five star hotels, as he had missed his birthday. He also wanted to forget about the events in the Department of Mysteries last term.  
He booked a room for two weeks in the Kahala Mandarin Oriental Hotel, paying in cash, and booked a flight to London after those two weeks. He spent the rest of the day lazing in the sun in the beach and learning how to surf, as he now had the money to rent a board.  
The next two weeks became a routine which encompassed Harry swimming, surfing, eating, smoking weed with his two friends who are known as 'the junkies', and most markedly getting completely pissed at discos and waking up the next morning without any clothes on, flat on his face and on top of the covers. The monotony had been broken once when a great white shark bit half of the surfboard and Harry rode it back to the beach, not even noticing he had controlled an animal for the first time that wasn't a snake.  
'House keeping' came an unfamiliar Spanishy voice 'Mr. Harry, are you there?' She supposed he must not be there, as he was sound asleep, so she entered the room, and 'aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh…. Mr. Harry I am so sorry, I no no, you were there, I thought no one in room' said the maid, her voice a high pitched squeal. Harry automatically screamed back in a similar tone 'Pull yourself together woman, it's only skin! Now get out of my room'. The maid nodded frantically and scrambled out of the room so fast Harry barely noticed. As it was the last day of his holiday, Harry chose to write a letter to Hermione, telling her the details of his flight and asking her if she could get Mr. Weasley to pick him up from the airport. He quickly packed his bags and made his way to the airport, where he bought some souvenirs before leaving. 'This I going to be a long trip' said Harry dejectedly to himself as he stepped into the plane.  
A/N well here is the fourth chapter, as you can see it is pretty long in comparison to the other three chapters, I hope you liked it. Please Rate and Review! 


	5. Around the world in 80 minutes

Chapter 5

Harry got off the plane, after having a long a nap and watching "Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban" which he thought was really crap. When he walked out of the terminal he was shocked to find Mr. Weasley standing next to a Porsche smoking a jay, his expression was one of true bliss. 'Mr. Weasley, where did you get that? Could I try some? Nice car, by the way' Harry said grinning like a she she cat. Mr. Weasley jumped and spun him around until he lost his balance and fell. 'Harry I never had time to thank you for the car. I just confiscated this, but since it is Mundungus' and he is in the Order I am getting rid of the evidence. You might as well help me'  
Harry took a few puffs, and the world whirled around him and turned brilliant orange. Mr. Weasley turned into a kangaroo wearing a bowler hat and a red polka dot dress. 'Mr. Weasley, are you sure you can drive? You haven't got opposable thumbs.' he asked worriedly.  
'Of course I can. It's much more fun this way, and I still haven't crashed.' Arthur answered emphasising the still. They hopped into the car. Arthur immediately started the car, and pressed the accelerator down to the floor. They sped off with the screeching tires, and Arthur's whoop of joy. 'I've been practising, you know. I can drive on two wheels and can do a 360 spin without killing myself, wanna see?' asked Mr. Weasley a grin so wide that the ends of his mouth seemed to break. Due to Harry still being high from the puff of wacky tobacky he answered 'yasser! My dick is so small'. So Mr Weasley took that as a yes, and he began speeding up like a maniac, swerving uncontrollably nevertheless with a hint of skill. He unexpectedly jerked the handbrake causing the car to spin non stop. 'wwwwwaaaahoooooooooooo' screamed Harry who was enjoying the spin.  
When the car slowed down, Arthur took off the handbrake and sped off in the opposite direction as if nothing had happened.  
After half an hour of solid maniacal driving, Harry and Arthur arrived at the burrow. 'oh no, there is no where to park!' screamed Harry bursting into tears, and throwing a tantrum. 'oh not to worry Harry, there is a space between the shed and the house' Weasley said his eyes bright with excitement. 'yes but Mr. Weasley, I know you are high, but the space is-' Mr. Weasley interrupted Harry 'Harry there is no such thing as no space when it come to a Weasley, now watch and learn'. Harry braced himself, as he predicted that Mr Weasly was about to do something unwise. Without further hesitation, Arthur stepped on the accelerator, driving towards the small gap, before arriving to the alleged parking space, he abruptly turned the steering wheel, causing the car to tilt on its two left wheels, and entering the gap smoothly.  
Harry felt quite impressed, he did not think Mr Weasley would be able to pull it off. However his admiration for Mr. Weasley soon wore off as he noticed there was no way to extricate themselves from the car.  
'Listen, Mr. Weasley, how are we going to get out of here?' asked Harry perplexed. Harry and Mr. Weasley were thinking for about 10 minutes 'I've got it!' shouted Mr. Weasley, his eyes gleaming with enthusiasm 'we can climb out of the top.  
Harry and Arthur then hurriedly climbed out of the convertible and entered the burrow. Both with big idiotic smiles across their faces.  
'Welcome home honey bear!' said Mrs. Weasley her face full of joy and appreciation for her husband. 'oh and hello Harry dear, did you enjoy your vacation, is Hawaii nice this time of year? Arthur Weasley! Why don't you ever take me to Hawaii'  
'Well dear Mollywobbles, I would, but unfortunately I can't drive to Hawaii, and flights are too expensive!' answered Arthur still grinning stupidly.  
Harry decided to leave and try to understand everything that had happened with the help of Hermione and his friends. He went upstairs to find that Ron's room was completely different; it had a heart shaped double bed and was surrounded by rose bushes. 'What happened here? And did I seriously conjure that car?' Harry asked both Hermione and Ron. 'Do you seriously not remember anything?' asked Ron in a confounded tone. Ginny just burst out laughing 'Ron and Hermione sitting on a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g' chanted Ginny patronizingly 'oh put a sock in it, will you?' asked Ron his anger rising. Harry seemed to ignore the little incident between Ginny and Ron 'No! Ron I do not remember, now will you please stop the scepticism' Harry was beginning to feel frustrated that his own friends did not trust he was speaking sincerely All of a sudden Ron felt the temperature drop all around him causing the hair at the back of his neck to stand on end. He was petrified as he saw Harry irises darken until they were fully black, it seemed to Ron that he was staring into a void which was his friend Harry. 'ummm… Harry I thiiiink.. yyou should… ummm… calm down.. you'rrre sccaring meee' Rons voice was one filled with fear, as his stutters became more prominent. Hermione noticed a wet patch forming at his crotch and slowly drip lines formed down the legs of his trousers. 'Ron you're pissing yourself!' Hermione squeaked. Ron did not react at all to Hermione's stipulation and continued on staring into those black satanic eyes.  
After a while Harry seemed to snap out of it, 'OK, could we try to figure out what the hell is happening with me?' he asked. 'Well, Harry, do you remember what caused this to start?' Hermione asked, going into work-mode.  
'I don't, I just remember lying in bed, and then waking up in Hawaii' answered Harry thoughtfully.  
'You changed this room, married Ron and I, conjured a car, and somehow got to Hawaii, obviously your powers have increased. I doubt Dumbledore could pull that off. However you lose control and forget what happens to you. I have never heard of anything like this, but maybe if you put your thoughts into a Pensieve you will be able to remember everything' Hermione said pensively. 'True, I'll order one'. Meanwhile Ron had run away to the toilet to change. When he came back he asked Harry worriedly 'Are you okay, by the way, we heard Dad calling Mum Mollywobbles, do you know what that means'  
'It's probably the weed talking, Ron, he confiscated some. I tried it too, it was first-class' Harry answered dreamily. 'Harry, are you seriously taking drugs?' asked Hermione, her face contorted with worry and her eyes flying to the door, as if expecting the police to burst in any second.  
Ron's concerns were very different, 'How come I didn't get any, give me your Invisibility Cloak, and I'll go to the shed and nick some'. 'Of course. We'll share you know' he said to Hermione and Ginny, who started to giggle as she saw Hermione's expression of pure terror. Ron sneaked off to steal the drugs, and the others went to the garden, which they had to de-gnome. Harry spent the afternoon throwing gnomes over the fence, and once, feeling mischievous, he knocked one out by hitting it against the fence and put it down Hermione's back, who screamed and started jumping around. Harry and Ginny were still rolling on the floor laughing at her when she got it off her back. 'That wasn't funny you know!' She yelled as she stormed off. 'I was only trying to thank her for her help, you know' Harry said as he and Ginny got up. Ginny laughed again.  
'You know, you are much more fun now. Could I help you with anything?' asked Ginny.  
'Thanks. Ron and Hermione will obviously be busier with each other now, so we could spend our time pranking everyone. You'll probably be able to help me at times, and anyways, it's nice to have someone who appreciates my talent' Harry answered smiling.  
'Let's go, Ron probably has the weed by now and we can smoke grass on the grass after dinner, if you catch my drift' Ginny said as she got up.

After dinner, they excused themselves as if they were going to bed. They gathered in Ron's room without Hermione, and tried to work out a way to get outside without alerting their parents. 'Maybe we could climb down using the bed sheets' suggested Ron.  
'Why complicate things Ron?' Harry asked. Harry smiled coyly before sprinting off to the window and leaping out of the room. He swung off a branch and landed rolling ten feet lower with a soft thud on the grass. The others watched astonished, until Harry got up and hissed 'what are you waiting for? Ginny, come down first, as you're lighter.' Ginny shrugged and jumped off the window. She landed on Harry, who fell on his back, slowing down her impact. 'Good catch, by they way that jump was wicked'. She said. Ron looked extremely worried, but managed to conceal his apprehension by jumping out the window 'tally ho!' he screamed, landing on the grass 'ow! I twisted my ankle I'm dying. 'Keep is down' hissed Ginny 'can you do yourself a favour and shut up for 5 minutes?' Ron decided it was best to do what he was told, last time he disobeyed her, she used the bat-bogey hex on him. 'Yes Ron, die on your own time, not mine, we have to smoke some weed' Harry's tone was of a strict nature. They all tiptoed towards the shed ' now, not all of us can go at one moment in time to begin the fun, so we will have to go one by one' said Harry instructively 'now who'll go first?' Ginny could not contain herself 'I'll-'she was cut off by Harry 'alright, if nobody wants to go first, I'll do it' Harry discreetly skipped merrily like a 6 year old girl, on her way to her first day of school. As he got closer to the store room he had an epiphany, he remembered a philosophy or rather, he was not sure if he remembered but it sounded familiar 'why walk when you can dance?' He said under his breath. As he said this he began to dance insanely towards the shed, whilst all his chums stared concernedly 'what's up with Harry' Ginny whispered to her brother. 'I don't know all I know is that I want some weed, and I want some weed now!' he whispered imperatively. Harry finally, after much boogieing arrived at the door of the shed. He fervently knocked on the door 'knock knock' he said as he softy thumped the door. There was no answer, Harry began to get hysterical 'I said knock know you fucking-guy' Harry said in a very Pakistani accent, which scared him half to death. After 10 minutes of just standing by the door, the others began to get inpatient 'what the bloody hell is he doing standing there? Why doesn't he just open the door?' asked Ron, truly disconcerted. 'That's it, I'm gonna go and see what's up'. Ginny made her way to the door of the shed, where she saw Harry, his eyes filled with tears 'it won't open, I've been knocking and knocking, look at my fists' she couldn't help but fell sorry for him. So she just bent the rust covered handle and opened the door.  
Almost instantaneously Harry got to his feet, as if nothing had happened and swaggered into the shed. He found himself in a very enclosed space, 'where is it?' he asked a mirror. 'Stop mouthing what I'm saying you stupid twin' Harry's anger began to rise to an uncontrollable level, so he walloped the mirror, making his hand go through it. He took his blood covered hand and used his other hand to punch it insanely. He was stopped by Ginny 'leave this for later, we have more important things to deal with now' Harry was adamant to stop his bashing, but he realised that smoking weed is the only essential thing left to do. The belting could wait, for a more appropriate time and place, for now there was work to be done.  
Ginny keenly signalled Ron that it was ok to come to the shed. Ron in reaction to the call began to run like a psychotic maniac, swinging his arms in a circular motion. As Ron entered the shed, he spotted Harry's blood encrusted hand, and apathetically went on to look for the weed. 'Where the hell is it?' asked Ron, losing his serenity. Harry turned his neck and began sniffing the room like a blood-hound. His head juddered for a second next to the ceiling.  
He then embarked on a frenzy of blows to the ceiling which resulted on it beginning to crumble 'what are you doing?' shouted Ginny, her eyes filled with confusion. Harry just ignored her, as a bag dropped into the centre of the room. Harry then smiled vivaciously as he said 'now that my friends, is how it's done'. As they all bent down to reach for the holiness that was the weed, the holy ceiling (full of holes) collapsed on them, knocking them flat on their unsuspecting faces. Harry vanished all the wood and with a flick of his wrist the ceiling began to appear anew. Both Ginny and Ron were in awe of this, this was quickly worn off, as they reached for the weed. Ron began to roll the weed, in Arabic gum and fired up. The others quickly followed protocol. A haze began to form as they puffed the magic dragon. 'Puff boy, puff!' instructed Harry whose voice was getting hoarser with every puff. He was beginning to get high, this was apparent as he hovered off the floor in the lotus position and chanted ' I'm the boy who lived! The boy who got high… and something else, I forget' both Ron and Ginny, who were also getting extremely high, clapped at Harry's chants. They went on to make a mound with some of the weed, and Harry lit it up. The haze thickened, and they decided to open up the room and let the smoke out.

As this was happening, Hermione watched from the bedroom window. She had held herself from screaming when she saw the roof collapse on her friends. She paced around the room debating whether she should go down or not, and then looked out again and breathed out relieved as she saw the roof had been somehow fixed. Harry, no doubt. The room began to haze after that, and after a few minutes, it had become so dense that it seemed to be truly solid. The door and windows where suddenly opened and a cloud of thick smoke slowly drifted skywards, reminding her of a ghost. She watched as the others came out to gaze at it. Harry started to wave his hands frantically, as the smoke reassembled into the form of a huge spliff, with the words 'Reality is an illusion created by a lack of grass' floating above it. The Weasleys were lying on the grass smiling idiotically at the cloud as if it was the most splendid thing they had ever seen. As if sensing her stare, Harry turned around and smirked at Hermione. He pointed his hand at her and muttered something. A small cloud of smoke detached itself and flew into the room before she could close the window. It gave her a funny feeling. The world was spinning around in a whirl of colours. That was the last conscious thought she remembered before going to sleep.

Once the cloud was out of sight, the group silently decided to go their separate ways. Ron still overwhelmed by the shit, tried as hard as he could to walk in a straight line, failing miserably. He kicked a stone unconsciously, causing his foot to slip forwards. This resulted in him landing square in the nuts, damaging his most precious possessions. He noticed the grass in the lawn, and decided to make an inventory of all his household owned, and began to count the blades of glass, naming the most noticeable ones as he did so. He kept to this activity until he finally fell asleep, after counting 16,453 blades of grass.

Meanwhile, Ginny had walked up to the house and hit her head against the door, as she had forgotten it was closed. 'Get off my way, you stupid door!' After glaring daggers at it for approximately two minutes, she turned the handle and walked into the kitchen. She looked at the clock that showed each family member's status; thought for a moment, and noticed there was one important absence. There was no 'High' status. She quickly grabbed a quill and wrote 'High' in between two other items. Subsequent to this, she went up to the roof to gaze at the stars and look for a constellation in the shape of a spliff in it until she dozed off.  
In the meantime, Harry decided he'd have a serious discussion with his malevolent twin. He walked up to the toilet, as he remembered meeting him there before. He stared angrily at him and asked 'What is your name, and who sent you?' He continued to gawk at the mirror, not understanding why his reflection kept on mouthing his words. Then he heard a different voice, which seemed recognisable 'Harry, can you hear me'  
'Why, yes, I hear you. What's your problem?' Harry asked back calmly, as if he talked to the mirror often.  
'Well, I'm stuck inside your head, and my previous attempts to get into contact with you have had rather adverse but spectacular effects on your charming personality. Obviously, since you are high you are in a more receptive state of mind' He then looked at Harry's stupid grin and burst out laughing psychotically. 'What is so funny, big balls McGee?' Harry enquired while his pupils dilated and contracted rapidly, like a bored blowfish. 'I just remembered that you have no idea of all you have done, and well, you make such stupid faces and say such things nowadays that I have to admit you have already surpassed the Marauders' answered the voice.  
'I'm a little chickadee' said Harry dancing to the music of Harry potter movies, he though that it was so beautiful. 'what is a chickadee?' asked his reflection.  
'It's an extravagant thing my good man, now that will be 5 pounds please!' he said sticking his mouth out like that of a fish. 'For what?' asked the voice. 'well, I don't know whether you noticed but I just gave you a dance, you should be so kind as to pay me for it… but listen you don't have to pay for that, it's on the house, however there is something else you have to pay me for' said Harry matter-of-factly 'oh…and what's that?' asked the reflection. 'well, you know that when you stay at a hotel you have to pay a certain amount for the residence?' asked Harry. 'Yes' he answered. 'Well it is the same here, I am giving you residence in my brain so you must pay me! Oh and by the way, you owe me a penny for my thoughts'. The voice just burst out laughing at Harry's crazy astuteness; 'Well, Harry, I know you won't need my help for pranking, but I must advise you to watch what you did on your birthday once you receive the Pensieve'  
'I will, homojo, anyway I'm bushed so I'll just say goodnight' as he said that he just collapsed in the bathroom.

'Where am I?' said Ron, his voice guttural. Ron become aware that he was on his lawn in a pool of dribble; he moreover noted that nobody was there. He tried to get up, and as he did, he felt a severe pain in between his legs. He noticed his testicles felt flatter than usual 'I wonder what happened' he said out loud to himself. 'Why am I talking to myself?' he said once again. 'Hey look I'm still doing it. What's wrong with me, please someone stop me.  
Ron managed to get to his feet but with much difficulty, he made his way into the house to see what was going on with Harry and Ginny. Ron spent a long while trying to find his friends, but he felt he needed to take a dump, so he made his way to the bathroom. 'toot toot toot'' sang Harry from the toilet. Ron opened the door to be charged by Harry and knocked down the stairs who yelled at him 'the Hogwarts Express is dangerous, didn't your mother ever tell you that standing in front of the train could leave you permanently dead?' Harry's expression was undecipherable but smoke continually poured out of his mouth. He sprinted up the stairs and jumped three meters straight up onto the roof, where he saw little Ginny sleeping so peacefully 'Oh…isn't that sweet?' said Harry in a motherly tone. 'she seems so peaceful it would be a shame to wake her up' after saying this a sly smirk appeared on his face, as his began to roar 'wake up! Cockedoodledoo!' his screams were so loud that she immediately woke up. 'What the fuck is wrong with you you stupid son of a bitch I was sleeping couldn't you see!' she hollered back at him. All he could do was smile at this. This made her incalculably pissed off, and it made her lunge at Harry, throwing a punch at him, but missing. This caused her to lose her balance, as she began to flay her arms in an uncontrollable manner until she fell off the roof.  
Harry, charmed the ground, making it like a trampoline, causing Ginny to bounce right back up to the roof. She hugged him forcefully, and sobbed 'Oh, Harry, I'm sorry I got angry with you' Harry looked down at her 'Of course I forgive you, by the way do you want to give everyone a fright?. They should be having breakfast now' She answered, 'Yeah sure'  
'Good' Harry said. He then walked up to the chimney and transfigured himself into Chris Cringle, and Ginny into Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. He then expanded the chimney, jumped onto Ginny, and slapped her arse, causing her to jump down. She squealed as they landed softly on the kitchen. Harry bellowed 'Happy Christmas everybody… Ho!Ho!Ho!' he was going red in the face. Mrs. Weasley Ron and Hermione gaped open mouthed 'you see mum' said Ron 'Santa does exist' he added smugly. But what was plaguing everyone was how come Santa came to visit them so early? He was meant to come on Christmas.  
Suddenly snow flakes began to fall in the room, which caught everybody by surprise 'beware of the falling coconut' screamed St. Nicholas. 'what coconut-' Ron was cut off by a coconut hitting his head, as now coconuts were falling in abundance instead of snow flakes.  
Within minutes the whole floor was covered with coconuts which impeded everybody from walking. Chris then took his bag and took out what seemed to have been many presents, which he just chucked at everybody, both Ron and Hermione had looks which suggested utmost joy. They hurriedly opened their gifts to find that all the boxes were full of faeces. Ron felt extremely sick at the sight of this 'hey, I did this'- Chris then turned back into Harry and told Ron, 'did you recognise anything?' the fact that the shit he concocted this morning was right in front of him made his stomach lurch. Then Rudolph turned back into Ginny, who collapsed on the floor, tears streaming down her face because of Ron's flabbergasted expression. Harry vanished all the mess, and laughed outright at Hermione's irritated face. 'That was fun wasn't it?' He cried happily. 'You know, I want to take you on a trip, so first I had to get you into the right mindset. Do you mind Mollywobbles?' Mrs. Weasley blushed crimson, as she nodded 'I trust you Harry, but don't do anything dangerous.  
'Great!' quacked Harry. 'Let's have a nice breakfast, and fly away' said Ron, coming towards Harry 'come fly with me, lets fly, lets fly away' sang Harry melodiously. To that Hermione, Harry and Ron sat down to have a nice breakfast which consisted of two eggs, bacon, sausages, hash browns and fried tomatoes. Hermione almost chocked on a hash brown as she saw Harry eating in a most abnormal manner.  
Harry pinched the egg and rapidly was swirling it around the fork, trying to catch the egg yoke in his mouth but instead got it all over his face and intriguingly none of it even came close to his mouth. He soaked Hermione in egg yoke he gave the excuse that he was upset because he was possessed by a 'voice' as he insisted on calling it. Hermione took no notice of Harry delusions, and continued to roar at him 'are you mad!' Harry just stared at her, as if she was crazy. 'Of course not, I only hear voices when I am alone.  
Hermione thought it best not to provoke or even question Harry's insanity further, and bide her time until she felt she could find a solution. Breakfast continued as normal. Afterwards, they all went up to their respective rooms, with the exception of Harry who found himself in Hermione's. 'Harry what in blazes are you doing?' she said, as Harry opened her underwear draw and started stuffing his shirt with her bras 'I'm packing!' Even though Hermione was not feeling too happy with what Harry was doing she couldn't contain herself, and burst out laughing, this was very unlike Hermione.  
Fifteen minutes later, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny met outside the burrow, their belongings prepared for the greatest trip they would ever have. Ron was the first to ask 'How are we getting there, Harry?' Hermione scowled 'What do you mean how are we getting there? What's there?' Harry answered evenly 'Guys, from now on you will refer to me as 'Admiral Francis', in accordance with prophecy. I think we should leave the luggage in a dump'. Without warning he grabbed every one of them, and apparated to Disneyland Paris. The others were so shocked at what Harry had done, that they did not notice him spot a man dressed up as Mickey Mouse, and jump on to his back. The ill-fated man did not know what hit him as Harry pulled his ears and started howling at him 'Pour l'amour de dieu! I want French fries!' The man started running away with Harry clinging to him, and he quickly tripped up because of the extra weight. He turned round to see and Harry rapidly turned into a baboon. This almost gave the man a heart attack, but the man gave a loud screech, and Ron who could not contain himself he was laughing so much; and saw a wet patch forming at the man's crotch, which suggested that since he was wearing a Mickey Mouse costume he must have pissed a lot. The man ended up fainting; the baboon became confused and began to tap Mickey on the head with impressive force. After 3 solid minutes of bashing, he was not waking up so Harry decided to turn back to normal and without notice, he stepped up to Hermione and said 'I'm an ickle piglet! Let's go on a rollercoaster!' He grabbed Ron and Hermione's hands like an excited little boy onto a remarkable ride; as they were already inside the complex they didn't need to pay anything. Hermione wisely chose to sit with Ron for her own safety. The ride took off with the passengers screams as usual. However, in Harry's opinion going at 120 km/h wasn't stimulating enough, so he incremented the speed until sparks began to come out of the rails. By this time the speed had trebled, and most people were shrieking with terror, with the exception of Harry, who had a demented expression and was laughing hysterically. When he got bored, after about ten minutes, Harry couldn't stand the pong of vomit and smoke, the ride slowed and everyone rolled out of the ride, with their skin stretched taut and their eyes bulging and bloodshot. Harry compassionately took his friends to a bench to recover from their tribulations and got them cotton candy. Five minutes later, Harry got frustrated with the amount of time Ron was taking savouring his sustenance, and violently grabbed his balls. This caused Ron to yelp and drop his cotton candy, which Harry caught nimbly with his other hand and stuffed into his mouth. 'What the hell did you do that for?' screeched Ron, with his voice abnormally high. Hermione and Ginny couldn't stop themselves from laughing at him as Harry answered 'Well, you know, you were taking too long and the temptation was just overwhelming. Do you want to go on more rides or go somewhere else?' Hermione was the first to answer 'We want to get out NOW!' 'Your wish is my belly button, I mean command, sorry I got confused the words are almost indistinguishable' Harry's face was one of worry and in order to redeem himself by giving Hermione a charming bow 'Subete no ningen wa, umare nagara ni shite jiyu de ari, katsu, songen to kenri to ni tsuite byodo de aru. Ningen wa, risei to ryoshin o sazukerareteari, tagai ni doho no seishin o motte kodo shinakereba naranai'. (All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood). Ron asked 'What the hell is that?' looking mystified. 'I think he's speaking Japanese, Ron, you know what that means?' answered Hermione as expected. 'No'. 'It means he is taking us to Japan, you imbecile' she glared. At that note, Harry hugged them all and they appeared in Tokyo, Japan. 'You may now take off your seatbelts' he said in an air hostess voice. Ron, Hermione and Ginny just stared at Harry as if he were crazy, which if you hadn't noticed he was. Harry was observing all the Japanese people which were walking around until he found a very short, old man, with a walking stick, he found it appropriate to walk up to him and say ' Is that you Yarimochi?' the old man was puzzled 'h'ow you know?' 'It's written on ur forehead' Harry answered calmly, as he had read the man's mind. The man got scared and run away to find a mirror and make sure.  
After Harry's interaction with the native population was over, he took them to the world's largest Ferris wheel, from which they admired the view of all the skyscrapers in the huge city. After that, they visited with him the most famous tourist destinations, and especially enjoyed the Imperial Palace gardens, where Harry bought them rice with fake money and poured all his rice down his throat at once, so that he could use the sticks to hit the bottom of the bowl as a drum. 'Diddydums, Diddydums…' he hummed absently. Once the others were done eating he got up and grabbed them all again. They arrived at America, in the stands of an arena where a rodeo was taking place. 'This is getting too much, you know', Hermione said tiredly. 'OK, last stop for today' Harry acquiesced. He then conjured a muggle stereo which played very slow danceable music causing him to unzip his trousers in a provocative manner, causing everyone to stare at him. Once his trousers were off he remembered he didn't have cowboy clothing, jumped under the seat and came out dressed like a cowboy. He seemed out of a storybook. With two guns in their holsters, a huge cowboy hat, a shirt, and jeans which didn't seem to have any space for his balls. Ron stared at him 'who castrated you?' 'I have balls you know, just don't want to get them blown off or gored' Harry answered smiling idiotically. He then rolled down the steps to the barrier separating them from the bulls and jumped over it landing on a bull that was already occupied. 'There is only enough space for one of us, you know?' he said calmly, before sticking his fingers into the man's eyes, who screamed and fell off. The alarm rang and the bull was let out into the arena where Harry was struggling to stay on top of the enraged bull. The commentator was laughing at what he had done, and explained to those who hadn't noticed 'Ladies and gentlemen, we have here a boy who decided to knock out our performer and take his place on the wildest bull we've got'. Everyone cheered as Harry kept bouncing on the bull, since he was lasting a very long time. Hermione, however, was sticking her nails into her skin with worry. Ron and Ginny just screamed like the rest.  
When Harry got pissed off for getting his balls squashed, he dangerously stood on the bull and jumped off to face it amidst everyone's applause. He proceeded to take his guns out and shoot the bull in the head. The clapping died down and screams of terror took its place. He had caused a mad stampede, and thought they resembled a load of elephants after seeing a mouse. After a few minutes all that was left were the four wizards and those that had been trampled too badly to get out and were groaning in pain.  
Someone obviously called the police and barricaded all the exits and sirens went off in it. The amplified voice of a policeman could be heard inside the building, 'Drop your weapons, put your hands over your head; Paddy, read him his rights'. An Irish voice replaced his, 'You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law; you have the right to an attorney, if you can't afford one, one will be provided by the courts. Resistance is futile. Don't try any shit or we'll shoot your ass!' The other voice came back, 'Keep to standard operating procedure, Paddy, or I'll end up blasting yours one of these days' he whispered. Harry sighed sadly as he looked at the growing pool of blood, 'This isn't fair, I had just started having fun and everyone runs away'. The others were getting scared about what would happen to the police if they got Harry pissed off. He turned round and asked them playfully 'Are you up to a car chase, or you wanna fight?' They noticed he already had a heavy machine gun, filled with paintballs in his arms. Hermione was as usual the first to answer, 'Harry, this was meant to be a holiday and we need to rest, please? And where is our luggage?' Harry's shoulders slumped in defeat as he said, 'Ok, whopper. Let's get a Chinese flying saucer shall we?' They put their hands on his and he took them to the island of his previous stay, ending up next to the hotel.  
While they were looking at the hotel, Harry had disappeared and come back with the luggage. 'Where was it, Harry? Hermione asked. Harry stared off into the distance thoughtfully for two seconds, before getting bored and rolling his eyes up and down until he got dizzy. 'Hmmmm… I forgot it in the Burrow'. 


End file.
